Cincinnati History · History Facts · Throwback Thursday

TBT: Humorous Newspaper Articles

When reading through some old newspapers to find some specific information about the weather on a particular day, I came across two articles which had me ripping stitches. I hope you find them as humorous as I do.

 

These two editorials come from the Cincinnati Gazette, November 22, 1883, page 5 and are written word for word.

 

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As to Bottle Birthmarks

[Oil City Blizzard.]

          That is a pretty tough story from Corry about a man who has a
birthmark of a bottle on his leg which demands whisky every ninth day. Undoubtedly, however, this is no so strange as it looks at first sight. We have observed in our short, sharp, and decisive career that whisky has a strong tendency to fool with a man’s legs as well as his head, and it wouldn’t surprise us to discover that some men had a bottle in each leg that demanded whisky every twenty-four hours. Most men, however, show the bottle more prominently on the nose than any other place, and it is an undoubted scientific fact that the bottle is what makes a man’s tongue so thick every once and awhile.

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What  a Woman Can Do.

[Exchange.]

She can say “No,” and stick to it for all time.

She can also say “No” in such a low, soft voice that it means “yes.”

She can sharpen a lead-pencil if you give her plenty of time and plenty of pencils.

She can pass a display-window of a dry goods store without stopping — if she is running to catch a train.

She can dance all night in a pair of shoes two sizes too small for her and enjoy every minute of the time.

She can appreciate a kiss from her husband seventy-five years after the marriage ceremony has been performed.

She can walk half the night with a colicky baby in her arms without once expressing a desire to murder the infant.

She can suffer abuse and neglect for years, which one touch of kindness or consideration will drive from her recollection.

She can go to church and afterward tell you what every woman in the congregation had on, and in some rare instances give a faint idea of what the text was.

She can go to the theater every evening and the matinee on Wednesday and Saturday, and still possess sufficient strength to attend a Sunday-night sacred concert.

She can – but what’s the sense? A woman can do anything or everything, and do it well. She can do more in a minute than a man can do in an hour, and do it better. She can make the alleged lords of creation bow down to her own sweet will, and they will never know it.

Au_Théâtre_by_Jean_Louis_Forain,_1882

What was your favorite part? Is there anything you would add to any of these articles? Have you seen anything funny in today’s newspaper you would be willing to share?

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